Intentional Dating

When two people are romantically attracted to one another and begin a relationship, their bodies produce a cocktail of chemicals (Oxytocin, Phenethylamine, Norepinephrine, Serotonin, and Dopamine) which often blinds them to key differences, flaws and any potential problems or they choose to ignore and overlook any potential trouble issues. These chemicals eventually wear off within 2 years but often not before the couple has declared their love for one another and committed to marriage.

I read an article in the Wall Street Journal recently in which the journalist cited a book in which the author stated that some psychologists have reduced love to a nothing more than the activity of brain chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin. While these chemicals play a part in the process of falling in love, love involves much more. Research shows that similar interests, intelligence, personalities, educational level, attachment styles, conflict styles, communication styles, political views, views on finances, spiritual views, views on work and recreation, and views on relationships and commitment all play a part in long term relationship satisfaction. Yet most individuals do not consider how these things impact a relationship as they are under the influence of chemicals produced by the body which enables them to ignore or overlook shortcomings while moving towards one another.  

Living and learning must go hand in hand. None of us can afford to stop learning or to lose our humility while facing life. I read an article about President Jimmy Carter and his wife, Rosalynn Carter who had been married 75 years. They stated that they were continually learning new things about themselves and about each other. They share a growth mentality which is one key attribute that is needed for marital satisfaction! Once you are married, you cannot change your partner or force your partner to have a growth mentality. You can only change yourself and learn to cope if there are key differences if the relationship is going to last. Thus, it is better to Know thy self and know thy partner, and have a continual growth mentality…  I have worked with many individuals, young and old, and challenged them to contemplate the following things: What is your view on relationships? Do you have a Growth View or a Destiny View? Which view predicts long term marriage satisfaction? What traits are you looking for in a relationship? What are your primary love languages? Do you know your attachment style and conflict style? Does having similar political views and religious views matter? Do you know what your financial personality is? Do you know the number one cause of divorce? Do you know the top three issues that couples argue about? Although all long- term relationships take mutual work and mutual commitment, meeting with a professional to help you prepare for and navigate the dating scene can potentially help you to avoid future problems and heartache.