Family backgrounds influence communication styles. For instance, a conflict avoider may have grown up in a home where conflict involved belittling, sarcasm and angry put downs or in a home where there were loud outbursts or in a home where conflict was avoided, thus giving the impression that conflict is “abnormal and hurtful”. However, if a couple does not have conflict, they are not communicating deeply.  Family backgrounds do not have to determine or define communication styles if one is willing to learn healthy communication techniques. Communication is learned therefore unhealthy communication styles can be unlearned with effort. Conflict is a normal part of any relationship. If each partner is willing and able to communicate and listen effectively, their relationship can grow through conflict.  It takes effort to learn communication skills and to communicate to our intimate partner just as it takes effort and skills to listen in an empathetic, non-judgmental way with positive regard even if there are differences.

There are five levels of communication.
1.    Level One communication involves commonplace courtesy. When two people meet, they often ask, “How are you?” yet neither one expects to go into detail about their lives as it is simply a socially accepted greeting. This level of communication is the shallowest of all communication. However, in an intimate relationship, it is expected for each partner to take this socially accepted courtesy to a deeper level yet many individuals do not make the effort as they answer their partner’s bid for connection with one word instead of going into detail about their day. This can be frustrating to the partner who is trying to connect.
2.   Level Two communication is merely an exchange of facts. For a household to run smoothly, level two communication is needed for scheduling and organization. This involves communicating about schedules, chores, children, and responsibilities.
3.   Level Three communication involves expressing opinions and beliefs. It is at this level where most disagreements begin. However, if a couple can respect each other, and work through differences by effectively expressing their beliefs and feelings then growth in the relationship can occur.
4.   Level Four communication involves expressing feelings. This requires being vulnerable and letting the other person know feelings such as being distressed, hurt, anxious, sad, angry or happy, joyful or excited. Spouses should use “I” statements which communicate feelings instead of “you” statements which blames the other person.
5.   Level Five communication involves communicating needs after sharing feelings. A healthy personal relationship requires individuals to be vulnerable and communicate on this level as well as their partner receiving communication on this level in a non-defensive way with positive regard for his or her partner.

How can couples use the five levels of communication to connect with one another? When you greet one another after a long day and your spouse asks how your day was or what you did; be intentional and choose to go into detail instead of saying, “fine” or “I just worked.”. Level two communication which involves exchanging facts for scheduling and organization is needed for a functional household. Schedule marriage meetings for organization and talk daily about plans. Express your opinions and beliefs but also, be flexible and open to your partner’s opinions and beliefs. Make it safe for your partner to express opinions, beliefs and feelings by listening without being defensive. This involves listening in an empathetic non- judgmental way with a positive regard for your partner.  Sadly, many couples do not experience a deeper love as one partner may not have the communication skills and may be unwilling to grow as a person and learn to communicate on a deeper level.