Your spouse, a Masterpiece?

One of my favorite places to visit is Washington, D.C. as I love the history and the museums. My favorite restaurant in Washington, DC is Old Ebbitt Grill. The food is delicious but the artwork in the building really appeals to me as there are beautiful murals on the ceiling, and historic artwork throughout the building. As I look at the artwork, I think about the effort, time and care that the artist put forth to create a beautiful piece of art. To create such masterpieces, it must have taken a great deal of time. Surely, creating a beautiful masterpiece was enjoyable and not considered work to the artist.
A good marriage requires a commitment of personal dedication to work on the marriage. How spouses treat one another and whether or not a spouse is willing to work on the marriage affects each other emotionally. This can spill over into work, other relationships, and parenting in negative ways if one spouse feels the rejection of a spouse who is unwilling to work on the relationship. When I work with couples who have a difficult marriage, I remind each spouse that their actions towards their spouse is reflective of their own character and should not be contingent upon how their spouse is treating them. This challenges the person who is married to a difficult spouse to step back and stop reacting to their partner’s treatment of them which can possibly end a cycle of negative interaction. While each spouse cannot control how their partner acts towards them, one can certainly get off the emotional roller coaster by focusing on responding to their partner based on character and values. Character traits and values reflect who we are and informs others who we are. Our character and values reflects our choices and treatment of others.  What if both spouses worked on their marriage in a way similar to working on a masterpiece, determined to help their spouse (masterpiece) become the best version of themselves? This is possible if spouses respond to each other based on their values and character instead of how they feel their spouse is treating them as misunderstandings are common. However, there are difficult marriages where one spouse does not have a personal dedication in working on the marriage. To respond to such a spouse without reacting, one must pause and take deep breaths before responding in an effort to stay true to one's own values and character.